Thursday, September 15, 2011

Just. Mom.

I read the funniest blog.... http://crappypictures.typepad.com/crappy-pictures/2011/06/what-it-is-like-to-not-sleep-at-night-illustrated-with-crappy-pictures.html
I so remember nights like this. I remember wishing these days would come to an end. They did. I remember waking up from a wonderful, restful sleep one night. Oh, it was a perfect night! I remember that I had not slept so well for so long...and a little 4 year old boy was walking into my room. I could see his face well, because the moon was full, and shining into through my window. He was smiling at me as if to say, "Aren't you happy to see me?" I wasn't happy to see him, for I was enjoying that well deserved rest, and he and his siblings had put me through it the day before, but I didn't have the heart to wipe that smile from his face, so I threw back the covers and let him into my bed.

There were many nights I was sandwiched in between this same child and his brother. I was afraid to move for fear of waking up one of them. Wait a minute? Since when did their sleep become more important than mine? :) Truth is, I loved it...I loved looking at them, smelling their hair, hearing them breathe.

I see my little granddaughters and think of my little blond girls....one with her high pitched laugh and the other with her thumb in her mouth. How many times did I tell the older to "hush" for that giggle was "driving me crazy" and, how many times did I pull that thumb out of my baby's mouth? Now, I tell the mother of the two little granddaughters...never to mind about such things....it will all take care of itself. I look at my three grandsons and am amazed at how beautiful they are. I love their little dirty boy smells whilst remembering telling my own to hurry and bathe.

When I was a girl, I felt it was forever that I was waiting to become a mother, and if you asked me, that was all I wanted to be. Just a mom. Just. Mom. I don't think there is anything I have enjoyed more. I couldn't wait to hold hands with someone for the first time. To get that first kiss. To say "I love you" or to hear it for the first time. I wondered the name of the person I would have children with and grow old with, whose name I would call to when I was in need of help when giving birth. It seemed like forever I waited for all of that to happen. And then it did.

So.... when my little boy came in that night with the moonlight shining on his face, I should have noticed the beauty of his little smile, and how glorious he was...for he was a glorious little boy.

I watch my oldest daughters as moms, and realize how blessed I am that they are my girls. I think I was too strict on them when they were little. What can I say, but that they were my experiment. I had to learn on them. Poor kids. By the time the boys came along I had calmed down quite a bit, and learned how to enjoy motherhood a little. I'm sorry, Cari and Laura. I hope the days of jumping on your beds when you were older made up for it a little. I'm sorry I didn't let you have more cherry and grape popsicles because of my stupified fears of staining your perfect clothes. But, hey! You both looked pretty great! I'm sorry I was so OCD about your toenails being clean all the time! Hahaha!

Life is so out there.....I could hardly wait to be a mother. Then, to hear the words, mommy, Mama, Mom. Then, I wanted to change my name and NOT hear it for awhile. Now, I long for the phone to ring so I can hear a sweet voice say "Hi, Mama", or "Mom", or to hear the front door open with little voices running up the stairs calling, "JaJa!"

My youngest is getting married. I cry whenever I think about it. I did the same with the others, but at least I always had kids to come home to. This time, I will be done. She's really flying the coop. I don't think I ever said, "Hurry and grow up!" I really did try to keep Olivia little. I knocked her down when she took those first steps, but she was determined, and walked anyway. She is determined now. I really am happy for her. I am happy with her choice. I am so missing my little children, tho.

I thought the days of being tied down to young motherhood would last forver. Now I realize that that was the shortest span of my life. And, the most precious. I know now, that I wasn't really tied to it. I was clinging to it. I've often said, I wish I could have each one of my babies back for just a few minutes now and then and hold them.....There is nothing like that sweet little face.....each one is it's own little person, and each one has something different and they leave it with you ...I guess...like an imprint that stays only with ...the mom.